Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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