I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
