I saw his package. It spoke to me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
