I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
