i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
