I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
