I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize