They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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