make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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