We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
