I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
