some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
