1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
