oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there's paper in my vomit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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