just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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