Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
