ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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