I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
