I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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