Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
