I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish they made helmets for livers.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
