I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
