Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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