i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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