Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
