Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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