you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
