i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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