i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She told me I should be a condom model.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
