Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES