so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
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He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The power of my boobs compel you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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