I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes