I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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