john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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