I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
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so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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