my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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