I think I won the penis lottery.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
