Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
