Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
