She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
