Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
