I bet he comes in French.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
