She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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