I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
