She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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