the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My vagina is officially offended.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
