Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
