party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
someone owes me an orgasm
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
