6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
