what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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