You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
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My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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