Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
