but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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