My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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