My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
