he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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