I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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